people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.