People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Childbirth is so beautiful
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.