People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex