People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.