People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
You Might Also Like
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah