People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.