People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

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SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?


Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*


Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.


In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.


A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London


The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.



Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.


My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”


I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.