People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
okay run it by me one more time
Mountain Goat : )
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me