[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf