People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
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I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing