People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
huge valentines day plans this year!!
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”