People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
i think we should see other cousins
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.