People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Potatoes were such a good idea
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.