People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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can I use a minion as a tampon
Skills
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.