People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
that wasn’t the question
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.