People might drive more safely
if airbags were filled with glitter![]()
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
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What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.