people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Just a reminder, folks:
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what