Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

oppen heimer style lol

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks