People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
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Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
all that yoga finally paid off
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”