People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right