People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe