@radtoria Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
@robdelaney People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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@radtoria 
@CharlesSickens Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
@JesusMcangry 2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
@LarrysTwin99 Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
@brookeisgolden An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
@StruggleDisplay Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
@Greg_1_Leg *Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
@shutupmikeginn Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
@AaronFullerton Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
@Seinfeld2000 KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it