@robdelaney

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

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@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@LarrysTwin99

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

@brookeisgolden

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

@StruggleDisplay

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

@Greg_1_Leg

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

@shutupmikeginn

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

@AaronFullerton

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

@Seinfeld2000

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it