People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
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Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
The game has officially changed 😎
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
shit just got real
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.