People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
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I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
only 11 steps left
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him