People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
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CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.