People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
(Electricians.)
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam