Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
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JUDGE: your word is “cat”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
“absolutely no reason at all”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.