People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*

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Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener


Me: I don’t make the rules Karen


It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.


Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.


The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.


Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.


[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal


[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.