People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
me and the Superbowl rn
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.