People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.