*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
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What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to