People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
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HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Just a reminder, folks:
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
This line from Airplane.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!