People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.