People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
love it when they get my name right
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.