People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
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Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
omg leave her alone
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”