After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
These are my roll models.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.