People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

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I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.


The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.


I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”


Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..


I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.


You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.


If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.


Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes