People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING