people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.