People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
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I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Noah
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.