People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Mistakes were made
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors