people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.