People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Europe. Made in Germany.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me trying to reach for my goals