people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
This cat wants you to take your pills
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.