People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
this is funnier than any friends episode
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming