Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Enter new password
Your password is two weeks
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?