People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

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Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?


“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish


I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.


*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.


Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled


Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”


What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?


I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.