People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.