People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
peeping toms
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.