Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

dream blunt rotation

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.