People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.