People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Very good! 👍😂
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.