People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.