People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
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My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.