People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred